Things No One Warns You About (A Series... Probably)

Whether you're going through IVF or have chosen the journey of surrogacy, you will be taking and injecting a myriad of hormones and drugs that will have side effects. These side effects are listed on the prescription packet that you get when you pick up your meds, they're told to you by the pharmacist and the doctor, they're easily looked up on Google, your friend who has been through IVF or surrogacy might share them with you; it's all right there. 

But is anyone really warning you?

In my case, the intended mom shared how her progesterone injections went when she began her IVF round with her, now, twin boys. A couple friends and family members of mine who went through IVF shared that the "injections hurt" and "progesterone made me really crazy and loopy for a bit". The endocrinologist said the PIO is a literal "pain in the ass" and the birth control might make me bleed. I was "warned". And obviously I realize that I will be putting a couple different needles in me, injecting medicine in my body, which will likely burn and I may bruise.

But what they didn't tell me was:

I will feel my ovaries ache at being told to be quiet. Much worse than when I ovulate.

I will feel agitated and aggressive and lose my patience very easily, especially at my children, who don't understand why mommy is raging extra hard right now.

I will feel panicky and anxious, even more so than usual. I may even experience paranoia and feeling as though I might be dying, or this is what it must feel like for some who is dying.

I will bleed for 20+ days and that it's absolutely laughable there is even a note to use a condom for intercourse right now because who is having sex when they're bleeding more than someone who has just given birth?!

That I will sit on the toilet and cry at how much blood just keeps coming out, and no matter how many wipes I use, it'll never be enough to not make me feel gross anymore. That I will take 2-3 showers a day because I feel gross.

It will look like someone attempted to clean up a murder scene each time I use the toilet.

I will feel foggy, lethargic. That my joints will ache, constantly.

That when I see the uterine tissue lying in the bottom of the toilet through red water because I just.wont.stop.bleeding, it might look exactly like it did when I lost my baby Hazel via miscarriage four years ago. Four years. Wow.

That, even though you know that what you're doing as a surrogate is selfless and an honor and worth it in the end, it's okay to feel overwhelmed and frustrated and feel as though your body isn't yours and won't be for quite some time. And that you might even feel like you don't want to get up to do your Lupron injection that morning because it's all so much right now, even though the injection doesn't phase you like you thought it would (and maybe it does phase you, and that's okay, too).

These hormones are no joke. The process of this is necessary to create as perfect of a uterine environment as possible. And it is something to take seriously. But here is my warning to you: you may feel like not doing any of it. You may feel some or all or none of these things. You may feel and experience a completely different set of "holy shit, what is going on with me" scenarios. You may feel like, really freaking overwhelmed. And that's okay.

If you're just beginning your journey, whether IVF or surrogacy, be sure to have support. You might not know all of the questions to ask, but if you have the right people behind you to hold you up and hold that space, the moments of desperation and overwhelm won't feel so desperate and overwhelming.

And now that I'm in the thick of this med part of my journey, I can honestly say now that I cannot wait until I am done with meds. Fifteen weeks seems so far away, but I can do this. I can do this. I can do this...