From Doula To Surrogate - The Beginning
Near the end of 2020, I was contacted by someone who was looking for doula services for her twin pregnancy. During our phone conversation she had talked about how they had transferred 2/3 embryos and 2/2 embryos were successful! We had a consultation and when we met in person I just knew I wanted to be a part of this family's life and their journey. As part of my doula offerings, I spend three visits with my clients preparing them for labor and birth, as well as their immediate postpartum time. We go over birth options, possibilities, some education and I prep them as much as possible while answering any questions they have. Our third meeting would be the day before she gave birth to her twin boys - though we didn't know our last visit would be 24 hours before she would meet her sons and nearly lose her life.
During our last visit - and really, through most of her pregnancy - the option of having a cesarean came up. Due to some factors that presented themselves when she was 32 weeks, the OB wanted to schedule an induction on Mother's Day, so most of our last visit was spent going over what that could look like and as many possible interventions and outcomes that we could. She wanted both boys to be born vaginally, hoped she could deliver at least one vaginally, but knew a c-section was the most likely outcome for both. I left them with a lot of handouts and information, hugged them and went home.
The next day I get a call from dad telling me they need to do a c-section that night and had it scheduled in the evening. I checked in with them through out the rest of the day and awaited a text from dad when she was heading into the OR. I hadn't heard anything for quite some time so I checked in with dad and the next few hours were a total blur. Once I was able to wrap my head around what had happened, I was overwhelmed and upset (for my clients); not to mention completely worried about mom. Around midnight dad and I were able to talk on the phone and he had explained in better detail the events that occurred from when she went into surgery, during, and then the interventions and life-saving procedure performed after. To put it simply: my client was hemorrhaging and had lost nearly all of her blood. They transfused as much as they could until there was no more blood to give her, so her uterus had to be removed in order to save her life.
Once mom was home from the hospital we had a few postpartum visits. These visits are meant for me to help prep their space, bring them a meal, hold the baby while mom rests/showers/eats, light housework, organize the nursery, restock snack bins, etc. They are also meant to help the mother process their birth; and that is exactly how she and I spent the first two visits while her babies were still in the NICU.
At the second visit, we talked a lot about their last embryo and what the options now were, given her hysterectomy. She knew she didn't want to donate it because she would then wonder who her child was out there in the world. And by the same token, she knew she couldn't dispose of it because, to her, it would feel as if she were terminating a pregnancy, and that didn't sit right with her personal beliefs. We then talked about surrogacy. Again, she had some hesitations about family carrying for her and the idea of a total stranger from a agency made her uneasy. It was then that I felt with a force of nature to say with such definitiveness, "I'll do it. I'll carry your baby,". She said she literally couldn't imagine anyone else carrying her baby for her except me. Later I would talk to my husband about this desire because surrogacy affects everyone and everything in your life and I couldn't officially say "yes" without talking to him first. After a few very deep conversations where we discussed everything from benefits to concerns to the possibility of me having Hyperemesis Gravidarum again, he was on board. (I'll share more about those conversations in a future post so you can get a glimpse of a partner's support.)
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For most of my adult life I knew I wanted to be a surrogate. But since I'd had cesareans, an agency approving me was incredibly difficult, if not impossible. So I also knew that it had to be a very unique situation like, if my brother needed me to carry a child for him or if a very close friend needed me to. When I could tell my client was struggling with, not only her brand new babies being in the NICU after what would be considered a highly traumatizing birth, but the fact that she had one embryo left and no uterus to carry her baby in, saying yes to surrogacy was like me waking up each day and breathing: natural and automatic and right.
And so, we've begun our journey.
Right now we're in the stage of the fertility clinic receiving my maternal history/medical records and giving their approval. Once approved, mom and I will get our psych evaluations and then move onto securing a lawyer and getting all of the legal agreements in place. I have no idea how long this process will take and what the waiting period will be like for approval, but if all goes smoothly and the timeline matches up, early next year we will do the transfer. January is the earliest I would like the transfer to happen... I'm taking the last three months off of work and focusing on my family and this part of the surrogacy journey.
Since I will be pregnant most of next year, I am taking a step back from birth work completely. I want to make sure that I am available and focused on the surro pregnancy and the ebbs and flows with my family on this journey. We hope that you will follow along as we share this process. And hopefully others will be inspired to explore surrogacy as an option for them; whether as intended parents or as a surrogate themselves.
Thank you for being here!